You are not alone

How often have you heard the phrase, “You are not alone”? People say it in words, or sometimes with their presence (for example, when there is a death in the family or when someone is in the hospital, people visit).

In the past, that phrase has meant one of two things to me: first, that other people care about me in my time of need. I have someone to lean on. The importance of social support is not to be underestimated. In fact, one of the things we know about successful recovery from trauma is that social support is key.

A second meaning is that other people have shared my experience. When my mother-in law passed away a few years ago, more than one person told my husband that he was now a “member of the club,” meaning that other people have gone through that fire as well, and survived – and now you understand each other in a way that no one else can.

But for the first time this phrase has a new meaning for me. Now I see something else. I see that all around us are people who have struggled at one time or another, or are doing so now.

During Sabbath services in our synagogue, as in many other synagogues, it is customary to read the list of names of people who are commemorating a “yahrtzeit,” or the anniversary of a loved one’s death. Interestingly, the names are read out loud, as if it is a communal and public commemoration, as well as a personal one. The grief is not meant to be suffered privately. Everyone in the sanctuary shares it. 

And as I sit in services every week, hearing names read to the congregation, I get a greater perspective on life. Even when I am sad remembering a family member who has died, I realize it happens to everyone. The truth is, how many people do you know who have reached adulthood with no scars at all? With no deaths, serious illnesses, emotional or physical abuse, job loss or relationship loss or other challenges to face?

This offers me both a sense of comfort and a sense of perspective about my current worries. True, I am dealing with something tough and I need to both take care of myself and address the concerns directly, but all around me are people who are dealing with their own set of woes. And yet we all get through.

When you are facing something hard, you can remember that this really just is part of life. That everyone faces something difficult at some point and now it’s your turn. One of my friends likes to say, “When other people ask ‘why me?,’ I ask why not me?” Why should any of us assume that we should only get the sunny side of life? That we should be exempt from disappointment, or sadness? Life is a book with many chapters, some good and some bad, and we can’t have one without the other. We all have to walk through a difficult place at some point. But we really are not alone.

(Source: mosaiclife.net)

Who makes the list?

While I often coach people to design and implement the mosaic that looks beautiful to them as individuals, this month I have been seeing lots of folks struggle as a part of a couple. It can be challenging to fit all the pieces into your mosaic, when you are also part of a larger mosaic. This seems to be particularly relevant for couples who are also parents. (My hat is off permanently to single parents – but this month we are looking at how to create your own mosaic while you are also taking care of the kids with a partner. So, single parents, you get the month off — from my blog, at least!) And even in families where one spouse does not work outside the home, making sure the kids’ needs are met while still allowing both parents to create their own separate mosaics is no small feat.

The most important lesson is this: If no one is home full-time, then there’s no one to do the house projects and keep the laundry going and fill the fridge when you are both at work. While it is understandable to react to that workload by assuming that your partner is not holding up his/her end of the deal, s/he may not be the source of the problem. You are both tired and have no energy for housework because you have been working hard all day at your paid job. And if one person is home full-time, it may be that the sheer number of tasks has overwhelmed the hours in the day.

In a business, you often have a Chief Executive Officer, Chief Financial Officer, and a Chief Information Officer. At home, who fills all those roles? Maybe it looks more like this: chief chef, dispute mediator, tech support, chauffeur/driver, grocery shopper, homework tutor, launderer, bill payer, nurse, etc. There are so many roles that have to be filled, and only two adults on hand to fill them all. How do you divide them up? How do you make sure that you take care of your own needs at the same time?

I often ask couples, “Who makes the list?” Grocery shopping can often be a quick half hour experience, but asking “who made the list?” gets at a different part of that task: who thought through what the family needs at the grocery store, and who made sure that the ingredients were on hand for a week’s worth of meals and whatever extras might be involved (the potluck you’re invited to, the bottle of wine to bring to the friend’s for dinner, the decorations for the child’s birthday cake, etc.)? The “executive function” for each job is often where the time is spent invisibly. So when you are dividing tasks, you need to account for this part of the work as well.

And the list-making part of the job is often the most brain-engaging part of the job. Keeping track of which bill gets paid and when (or just devising the system to make sure none of the bills slip through the cracks) may be more important, and take up more brain space, than just writing the checks.

A football team’s offense has to carry out a play and execute it well to make the touchdown, but the quarterback has to assess the situation, decide which play is appropriate, and figure out which team mate is going to perform which role. If you switch it to the kitchen, I liken it to the chef and sous chef. While the sous chef has to chop mountains of vegetables, the chef had to plan the menu, decide which vegetables to buy, make sure someone bought them, and add them in the correct order for the desired outcome.

So while you and your spouse are dividing up roles in the house, make sure you not only balance out the load of who does which of the most time-consuming tasks, make sure you also balance out whose brain space has to be taken up with figuring out what goes into those tasks. Or, as one of my girlfriends likes to say, who makes sure the wheels stay on the bus.

If you and/or your partner would like some help figuring out how to re-balance the load in your household, please call me at 301-523-8882 or email me at Beth@MosaicLife.net and we can set up an appointment.

Inbox Zero

About a month ago I decided to try something new: I had heard a talk on-line by Merlin Mann about eliminating all the email in your inbox, so I thought I’d give it a try. As I have said to myself so many times before “better practice what you preach!”

In his talk, Mann suggests you do five things with the stuff in your in-box:

Delete. Delegate. Respond. Defer. Do.

The goal isn’t to “check your email,” but rather to regularly take a very short time to process your in-box until there is nothing left in it. Inbox zero.

That’s some take-away wisdom from Mann. And it dovetails nicely with my favorite take-away wisdom from David Allen’s book, Getting Things Done.  Allen discusses open loops and the impact they have on our psyches. I agree with him completely. The more unfinished projects there are, the more these “open loops” will nag at you as you try to accomplish other tasks. Obviously a great fit with the idea of having nothing in your in-box. No more open loops. Things are either completely gone (delete, respond, do), passed on to someone else (delegate), or put on your calendar to complete at a specified time (defer).

I work with very busy people, and their email in-boxes are often a topic of conversation. I have taught people to develop folders and set up rules in Outlook to eliminate tons of email that they don’t ever have to look at. I have encouraged many clients to turn off the notification that pops up or dings every time you get a new email (which simply tempts you to check that email, interrupting your train of thought, and causing the sender of the email to set your agenda for you).  I have gone even further than Merlin Mann: I tell clients that they should check their email only two or three designated times a day, rather than once an hour like he suggests… gasp!!!!

But what happened when I took my own medicine?

First: I kept forgetting to look at each email only once, instead I caught myself triaging the old way, where I let the emails sit in my in-box and “visit” them periodically. Many of you are probably familiar with the old advice regarding junk mail: handle it only once, and do so by the recycling bin. The same is true for your email. Read it once, and deal with it then. Slowly I’m reforming my ways. Process the inbox, don’t check the email.

Second, looking at his five steps, this is what I discovered:

Deleting is a breeze. And like Mann, I am amazed at how much I can delete when my goal is to get down to zero. Emails that I might have held on to so I could read it “some other time” get eliminated much more quickly now.

Delegating is tough, as I don’t have any staff or an assistant to delegate to, but on occasion a family member gets a little something in their in-box from me. Only problem with that is needing to check up on them to make sure they get it done, so that doesn’t completely close the loop. But it does provide a beneficial side effect: making my kids more responsible for their stuff.

Responding and Doing work fine, as these are the emails that just take a minute or two. I make sure I only check email when I know I will have the time to respond. This is a critical point; don’t open your email if you truly have only a minute. I know some “time management” folks suggest this, but I think it’s a mistake. One minute does not allow you enough time to complete the task the email may require. It only gives you the time to look at one. And then you still have to return to it. No good!

Deferring is the biggest issue for me. It’s not always clear when I can put items on my calendar, given my ever-shifting schedule, so I tend to put things in a folder called, “To Respond,” and then I keep forgetting to check the file. This has gotten better as the month has gone on, but it is still hard to get something new into my routine.

So, there are lots of lessons learned during this month. I like the feeling of seeing nothing in my in-box, so I’m going to keep the experiment going. Why don’t you give it a try and send me an email (beth@mosaiclife.net) and let me know how it’s going. (I promise I’ll respond. And then delete!) Or if you need some assistance with the process, give me a call at 301-523-8882, and we can set up a coaching appointment.

Lost My Purse

Last night I left my purse in a restaurant. This morning I retrieved it – with all its contents intact, including over $60 in cash. (I almost never carry cash so it was even more of a head-smacker that I left my purse with money it.) As I waited for the restaurant to open, I thought, “Well, at least I’ll get a good newsletter out of it, whichever way it goes.” But I find myself surprised by the newsletter that seems to have appeared from the experience. I expected it to be about my restored faith in humanity after the return of all of my important things (checkbook/cash/credit cards/ID’s/prescription glasses, etc.), and I am very grateful to the folks at the restaurant who were honest and probably didn’t even unzip it to see what was inside.

But the thing that really jumped out at me was that I had never done that before. And it bothered me a lot that it happened. It had a happy ending, so why was it bugging me so much? Was it age-related forgetfulness? Would I now have to spend a few minutes at the end of any activity to make sure I had my purse/phone/coat/etc. before I moved on to the next thing? It seems that more and more things require some maintenance that they didn’t before, and I’m only in my 40’s. Getting out of bed in the morning (not sleeping as well, so it’s harder to get up), exercising (stretch that back out so you don’t pay for it later and make sure you’re exercising regularly to keep your heart healthy), eating (pay more attention to nutrition information, you’re getting older so you have to be more careful) and so on.

Do a Google search for getting old and here are some of the results you get: “Getting old isn’t for sissies,” “Inside every old person is a young person wondering what happened,” and my favorite: “You know you’re getting old when you feel bad in the morning…without having any fun the night before!”

Given the common “wisdom” about how awful it is to get old, why wouldn’t it bother me to realize that time is passing and I am getting older? As Joni Mitchell shared with us: “Don’t it always seem to go, that you don’t know what you’ve got ‘til it’s gone.” Things are going to go away and I don’t even know what they are! Maybe one of them is the ability to know where my purse is.

So what’s the take-away?  Two things. First, as I’ve written about earlier in this newsletter, we need to savor the moment we are in because time does keep moving on. Don’t wait until later to enjoy what you have. Second, before I got too deep into feeling badly about getting older, I recalled the research touted by the New York Times, The Economist, and other sources which report that older folks are happier than younger folks. What a relief!

Perhaps as I get older I won’t care so much if I leave my purse in the restaurant. Or maybe I will have slowed down enough that I won’t be rushing off to the next thing – without my purse/raincoat/fill in the blank. In the meantime, I’m going to try to enjoy what I have now, and maybe even think about what might be gone someday, so I can appreciate it before it goes. And I am going to be grateful for the honest strangers who cross my path.

Happy New Year to young and old!

Gratitude and a Japanese Maple

I am not a morning person. So it is not unusual for my son and me to be rushing out the door to get him to school. During the fall, we are sometimes even later because I stop to look at a gorgeous Japanese maple. The red is so intense and so beautiful it takes my breath away. My son reminds me almost every morning that perhaps we don’t have time to stop and celebrate the joy and beauty of the maple given how late we are. And every morning I take just a moment and look at it anyway.

Why do I stop? After all, we are late, and “don’t have time” to appreciate the maple. But I have learned to make the time even when I don’t have any to spare. Every year – for just a week or two – the same thing happens: the leaves turn, and the tree becomes a work of art, a glorious red. And then one day there is a rain storm, and all the leaves come down. I’ve learned that those few seconds are worth it. Every year when the leaves come down I am grateful that I have stopped to appreciate the color on that Japanese maple tree. There’s an added bonus as well, I’ve discovered. That moment of gratitude “primes” me to notice other small things, things I might otherwise have walked right by. Cultivating that gratitude has a ripple effect, studies show (see this article in the Washington Post which describes grateful kids as having “better relationships with friends and family, higher GPAs, less materialism, less envy and less depression, along with a desire to connect to their community and to want to give back”, how’s that for set of ripples!). I’m not claiming that you’ll wake up one day with permanent rose-colored contacts. Just that the moment you take can create more moments, if you get in the habit.

I am focused on gratitude more than usual, given the holiday season. Thanksgiving has come and gone, but there are still moments to be thankful. Whatever you did for the holiday, did you have a chance to focus on what you are grateful for in your life? In the weeks ahead, can you stop, slow down, and appreciate those things you are grateful for? I’ve written earlier about the rush of life and the challenges of making time for the important stuff. Remember that, just like the leaves on the Japanese maple, the things and people we love are not around forever. So make sure to stop and take the time to appreciate and be grateful. You “don’t have time” not to.

Let me know what little moments you “steal” in this holiday season to notice and appreciate something you might have otherwise missed, and I’ll share them next time.

Driving and Life

I have two pet peeves when driving, and my poor kids have to listen to me rant about both of them. First, in the DC metropolitan area, when you put your turn signal on to indicate that you want to change lanes, people speed up: to make sure you don’t get in front of them. My second pet peeve is that, when you put on your signal to turn at an intersection, people in the oncoming lanes pull into the intersection—even though there’s so much traffic ahead of them that there is no way they can make progress! All they have succeeded in doing is blocking you from making your turn, and therefore blocking all the people behind you.

I often wonder: what do they gain from these behaviors? They might save a minute or two on their commute time, but I’d be surprised if it makes any difference at all. And then I get to thinking about why these behaviors make me nuts (and what kind of a role model am I being for my kids when I’m ranting).

I realized that these behaviors bother me because of what I tell myself about them. I assume that they speed up when they see my signal because they think their time is more important than everyone else’s and therefore they have no need to be polite. Or maybe, I think, they aren’t aware that there are even other people on the road, and then I wonder how hard is it to be considerate of other people when driving.

Obviously, I’m not going to change the driving habits of the entire DC metropolitan area, so what can I do to take care of myself and stop creating such negativity when I’m driving? Turns out there’s a pretty easy answer: I can tell myself a different story. I can develop alternative scenarios that are less bothersome to me. For example, maybe the person in the car that didn’t let me in their lane is dealing with an emergency and really can’t spare the extra minute. Or perhaps they are distracted by something going on in their lives and don’t actually see my signal. Alternatively, I can think about some silver lining. Perhaps the extra time in the car is the moment when my kid will share something important or I’ll hear something great on the radio and find my new favorite song.

Can you change your point of view so you won’t be so negative about certain issues? How can you self-coach through situations that make you crazy? What assumptions are you making about the actions of other people, and what is it costing you? Could there be a better story?

If you want some help re-framing a troubling situation, or coaching yourself out of a pet peeve that is making you cranky, contact me at 301-523-8882 or beth@mosaiclife.net.

And have a happy Thanksgiving!

This Too Shall Pass

Recently my web designer Aryn had her first baby. She said she was feeling overwhelmed by a too-full work schedule and new motherhood. In an email she told me she had to go back and read all my old newsletters to help get her back on track (which you can do here if you’re interested!). But given that she just had a baby and it is her busiest time of year at work I thought that wasn’t a great use of her time. So here was my response to her:

“To save you from reading all of my columns, I’ll share one nugget. ‘This too shall pass.’ That’s it. That’s the whole thing in a nutshell. Everything that is difficult and stressful about this time will pass, so just remember that when it gets bad. And everything that is wonderful and amazing about this time will also pass—so try to breathe in and enjoy those moments.”

The more I thought about it the more I felt like it was true, but I began to think about exceptions to the rule. So what about those things that won’t pass, for example, if someone important to you dies, or you lose a limb? It is certainly true that those events don’t pass at all. But your reaction to it won’t be the same forever. The raw pain or numbness that often accompanies mourning does change over time. I’m not convinced that time heals all wounds, but I do think that as we grow and change, our response and reaction to difficult things in our lives change as well.

I think I often focus on the phrase, ‘This too shall pass’ when something negative is happening in my life or the lives of people I care about. It is comforting to imagine it won’t stay like this forever. But sending the advice to Aryn really helped me to focus on the other side of the coin. The happy times will pass as well and the wonderful early baby years will pass, and the adorable toddler years (along with the horrible toddler years, which are coincidental) and so it really is important to soak in all the good things in your life and be grateful for what we have—because it will also pass.

I hope that is a helpful nugget and would love to hear from you what you say to yourself when things get tough. Just send me an email to beth@mosaiclife.net and I will share your wisdom in a future newsletter.

Time

We all think we have more time than we do.

And I mean that in both the large existential sense as well as the small day-to-day sense.

In the broadest sense, we often live our lives as though we’ll live forever. We put off those things that we say are most important to us because we don’t have time for them now. We tell ourselves we’ll get around to it when we have more time. Do you have some version of this formula running through your head? I will _____ (go on that trip, focus on my health, take up art again) when ______ (work is less stressful, the kids are older, I have more money).

If this sounds familiar, you are not alone. I want to challenge you to think about when you will actually make time for those things. How many times have you heard about people who put everything off until retirement – and then are too old to enjoy or do what they’ve waited for? Because they thought they’d have more time.

Did I mention that I’m addicted to a silly game called bubble shooter? I mean, seriously, who has (or makes) time to play a game on their iPhone with all there is to do to make the world a better place? Even if I can set aside the needs of the entire globe, how about all there is to do just in my own post-hurricane Irene backyard? But I manage to shut out all I have to do because I think I have more time. I’ll get to it later. But when exactly is later?

And in the more mundane sense, I have had the following time-related insights just in the past week:

I thought to myself: “I’ll have time to get gas later,” and then when I get to “later,” there’s a huge traffic jam and I’m stuck on a road with no gas stations in sight. And I watch as the empty light flickers on and off, and finally stays on as I inch forward in traffic. Because I thought I’d have more time.

I began writing this newsletter two weeks ago and thought many times that I would have plenty of time to finish it. Now here it is—two weeks later—and I’m scrambling to get it to my ever-patient editor so I can send it out right away. This time, the problem wasn’t even procrastination. I wasn’t putting it off, I really wanted to work on it, but there were many other things that were more urgent and had to take priority. (What a surprise: it’s the first couple of weeks of school and there were things my kids needed! Doesn’t that happen every year?! Yes. But somehow I thought I’d have more time.)

This issue of how we spend our time has been percolating for a few weeks, and yesterday my son asked: “Do you have time right now to help me with this?” And, shockingly, the answer was yes, because I got my priority work done during the day. So I could focus on his needs after school. Because during my work day, I behaved as though I wouldn’t have more time.

What worked for me is recognizing that my time is limited. Limited, yes. But enough. So acting now on whatever task I have to do gives me the time later to say yes to the unexpected. And while that is really important in the small day-to-day tasks, it’s equally important with the bigger question of how you will use your time on the planet. None of us knows how much we have. We hope it will be enough, but it is definitely limited. So I encourage you to be cognizant of that limited time, both in the immediate sense, and the broader sense. And, with that in mind, experiment with how you decide to use your time. Put more simply: be sure you choose how you use your time. Don’t put off going on that trip, focusing on your health, or taking up art again because you don’t have as much time as you might think.

If you need some help choosing how to use your time, call me at 301-523-8882 or email me at beth@mosaiclife.net.

Perspective is Slippery

Perspective is a slippery thing. Holding onto it is something I struggle with. A loved one with a major health issue? Welcome “Instant Perspective”—but then, over time, it slips away and I am back to getting angry at a sloppy driver, or a misplaced sock. Read a news article about a country where war is a part of daily life? Perspective is sharpened, and I see my life through clear eyes. My small stresses become unimportant. A death in the family? Same thing. First, the arrival of Instant Perspective—and all it brings, such as acceptance in the face of day-to-day stress. But then, over time, it slips away.

There are the big picture issues, such as death, illness, or seeing people’s lives in war-torn countries. And then there are the “small picture” concerns that contribute to my ability to hold onto perspective. When perspective has slipped away, I check in with myself and ask some questions: did I get enough sleep or exercise? Did I have enough time at work to do what I agreed to do? Are my hormones raging? Did I remember to eat breakfast? If I am taking care of myself and taking care of business, it becomes easier to maintain perspective on the issues in front of me, and determine what really counts.

In addition to checking in with yourself, there are other ways you can learn to keep things in perspective. In another issue I wrote: What can you hold on to that will help you maintain perspective as the normal everyday annoyances crop up? I often encourage clients to find some sort of physical reminder of the issues they are working on in their life. Is there a piece of jewelry you can wear, or an item you can put on your desk that will remind you to maintain perspective?

The tangible reminder can help you to stay on track. The ability to refocus your attention, to re-assess the importance (or lack of importance!) of an issue, is key to holding onto that perspective. It’s about attitude adjustment. Since I first wrote that, I have come up with other ideas, to help me get – and keep – an attitude adjustment. You can find a simple mantra or saying that speaks to you, or make a conscious effort to focus every day on something for which you’re grateful. I have a dear friend whose mother says that if a problem can be solved with money it isn’t really a problem. Leaving aside for the moment the problems that come from financial insecurity which is very real in today’s economy, let’s think of that saying as a perspective-giver. It works! We’ve all heard the expression “Don’t sweat the small stuff”: the whole point of gaining perspective is to help you identify what is genuinely “small.” What’s a bump in the road as opposed to a major roadblock? Perhaps the gem here is to regularly ask yourself if what you’re upset about could be characterized as small stuff.

Gratitude is an excellent counter-balance for the slipperiness of perspective. By focusing on what we’re grateful for, it’s easier to set aside the small unpleasantries of everyday life. Gratitude doesn’t come easily to all of us, but it can be developed, just like a muscle. Find some small things every day that you are grateful for. They will help you keep that hard-earned perspective.

My message to you is this: perspective is slippery; life gets in the way. And when we’re busy and stressed with our daily lives it’s hard to hang onto perspective. Like with so many things in life, it requires discipline and some vigilance to keep a hold of that slippery little bugger. And it is worth holding on to.

If I can help you gain some perspective or figure out why you can’t hold onto it, give me a call at 301-523-8882 or email me at beth@mosaiclife.net.

Everything I need to know I learned from Bubble Shooter

Bubble Shooter is a game I play on my phone. One of my kids introduced me to it. It’s strangely addictive. The goal is simple: just shoot different color bubbles at an approaching line of bubbles, and when there are three or more of one color in a row, they pop. New lines of bubbles are constantly appearing at the top of the screen and pushing the previous lines of bubbles closer to your shooter. If they touch the bottom of the screen, you lose. The more you pop, the more points you get.

The more I play this addictive game, the more it seems to me a lot like life. And while my kids laughed when I told them it was doing research for this newsletter—I told you it was addictive, and we addicts look for any excuse!—I really do learn some interesting things as I play.

There are times when you take a risky shot and it clears out a huge section of bubbles, vaulting you closer to winning—and other times, a risky shot bunches all the bubbles up, so you lose. In life, those big risks can be followed by big rewards or spectacular failures. You have to be prepared for either.

The landscape in the game is always changing. As new rows of bubbles come down they move the entire collection of bubbles below them, so you’re always looking at different combinations of colors. So just when you’ve planned your strategy for the bubbles as they are currently arranged, they change and are now lined up in a completely different pattern. Has that happened to you lately? It sure has happened to me. You gather your data, you plan your day, you start your project at work or at home—and then something unexpected comes your way and now everything is lined up in a completely different pattern, so to speak. The life plan or career goals you had set are suddenly unreachable, or you are facing a major illness or life transition. Change is the only constant, and it helps to be prepared and flexible in how we approach our lives.

Sometimes you seem to have all the time in the world, with no new bubbles coming down, and sometimes everything is dropping down so fast and furious, and it’s hard to remain calm as the pace steps up. Any of you have children? Or jobs where you go from feast to famine in terms of responsibilities or project scheduling? I’ve done consulting, coaching and therapy for many years and I continue to find the time demands fluctuate greatly. Learning to stay calm in periods of too much work, and learning to enjoy and relax in slower times, have been crucial to my staying sane as the normal ups and downs continue.

Occasionally, you really need a red bubble and all you get are blue ones. And just like in life, you need to make sure you don’t make the situation worse by trying to force that blue bubble into a spot where a red one should go. We don’t always get what we want, or even what we need, in life. How can you evaluate what you are getting, and figure out how to use what you have to improve the current situation, or at least do no harm? And if we do place it in a spot that isn’t helpful, then persistence and perseverance come into play as you then methodically knock out the bubbles that have gone to the wrong spot and clean up the mess you have made by making a bad shot.

Some days, every shot seems to go just where you want it to go, other days you can’t buy a good shot with any amount of money or effort. Enough said on that one. That’s just life!

If I can help you figure out the strategy you need to deal with the ever-changing landscape, help you clean up messes you have already made, or figure out what to do with the bubbles life is sending your way, give me a call at 301-523-8882 or email me at beth@mosaiclife.net.